Forgiveness
March 14, 2008 by Chris
There is a discussion group that meets every Sunday night at Olcott, the National Headquarters of the Theosophical Society in America.
During a discussion last week, someone brought up forgiveness. This is one of those words we use frequently, but whose meaning is rarely explored. It occurred to me then that I didn’t really know what forgiveness meant.
Several of my co-inquirers offered very cogent explanations, but as I reflected, those explanations essentially amounted to a recognition. Forgiveness was an event you could recognize. When you have really forgiven someone, you know it, and there is a distinct reordering of internal engergies. Most agreed it involved a letting go, a release of anger, resentment, certain expectations.
This then foregrounded the real question. How does forgiveness happen? How do we truly forgive?
I’m grateful to be surrounded by such bright people, because they quickly worked towards the realization that understanding always preceded forgiveness. You could tell someone who had harmed you, ‘It’s okay, I forgive you’, but unless you had really done the work of understanding their actions, those words were likely empty. However, if you did understand, the feeling we recognize as forgiveness, that release, naturally followed.
First, it should be noted that forgiveness isn’t granting license. You can deny the rights of someone to act a certain way, even condemn and punish their actions, and still forgive them. Mothers do this constantly.
I’m intrigued by this dynamic and curious of the implications.
How do we begin this process? How do we set in motion the understanding that precipitates forgiveness? Is it a particular type of understanding? What is the relationship between the mental exercise of trying to understand another’s actions and the emotional component, the active empathy? Can either succeed alone or are they codependent?
Chris
Govert
Pablo
latebrake
mitdyob
I think there are several elements involved in the process of real forgiveness. The first one is probably to be willing to forgive, or to take the necessary steps to do it. It doesn’t mean at this point we shouldn’t feel hurt or upset. It means that we are willing to let that feeling go. If we are still feeding the resentment, there is no possibility for a process of forgiveness to take place.
The second step would be one of awareness of our feelings. We have to become a witness of whatever is happening inside us, without distorting it. Only a silent awareness, listening the blaming, the justification, or whatever is there.
Then, sometimes, after being aware of what happens for a while, we experiment a spontaneous ceasing of our resentment. It may be accompanied by an intellectual understanding of either the other person’s reaction, or of ours. Or it can be just a non-conceptual ceasing of the conflict, by itself. And you can recognize that the process is a genuine one because when thinking of that person you don’t feel any antagonism anymore. And it usually is accompanied with a calm awareness of our part in the conflict, so we don’t blame him/her.
Sometimes the process of forgiveness will not be completed with a single effort, and it may require a more complex approach. It depends on how deep is the origin of our reaction. We may have to engage in a more discursive action, reflecting on the situation, trying to see things from the other person’s point of view, examining why we feel hurt, etc. That is an intellectual work that, although is not the direct tool to solve an emotional problem, may prepare the ground for that supra-conceptual understanding to take place.
That’s the way it seems to work with me, and no only with this particular emotional reaction but with any other.
There is, however, a much more direct way to come to a real forgiveness, although most of us are crippled in that. The way is LOVE. If there is love in our heart, all the rest is very easy.